Well•come, kin. Pause, and take a deep, calming breath with me. In… and out… As you breathe, remind yourself of your innate wisdom and wholeness. With each breath—be here. Fully present, as we embark on this journey together.
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LaShaun
Certified behavior analyst, founding former Director of The University of South Florida’s (USF) Wellness Resource Center, Founder of GLOW Women’s Gathering with credentials in Neuroscience for Business from MIT Sloan.
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OOO-OOH, I had to use all my decades of inner work to manage my emotions with someone recently..
I was trying to hold space for them to be who they are, and I really wanted to call them out and them exactly how I experience them and their worldview: Julia Sugarbaker style.
It’s so much easier—and sometimes so very satisfying—to call out somebody or some system when you’re having strong feelings.
[insert sly grin]
I KNOW, I’M BEING (S)ASSY
High emotions. Low patience. A decreased tolerance for differing viewpoints. Let’s face it, so many of our in-person and virtual spaces seem to be a hotbed of strong feelings and short tempers.
It seems like everyone’s “calling out” everyone else these days. Especially on the interwebs there’s a surge in “call-out-cancel-culture”. This phenomenon of public shaming and ostracism, is becoming a daily event.
But is this “cancel culture” really the best way to hold people accountable? Let’s explore this together. Maybe there’s something bigger at play here, something about the way our society operates that makes us act this way.
Perhaps a more productive approach exists???
I am grappling with this.
Could we foster a culture that encourages open dialogue and a willingness to learn from mistakes, even when we disagree?
Even still, the impact of call-out culture has made important and often positive changes for social justice. Calling out unfair and harmful behavior and practices has historically held people accountable, setting important standards and laws.
This quote by Amy Fast, Principal, had me thinking, “Holding people to their greatness is perhaps one of the most loving actions we can take. Real accountability isn’t a ‘gotcha.’ It’s an ‘I see you.’”
Both calling out and calling in can feel presumptuous at times. It’s understandable to feel uncomfortable with the assumption of moral rightness that both call-in and call-out cultures can imply. This discomfort often stems from the presumption that we know what’s best for others or society. The essence of true empathy and effective communication lies in recognizing that we don’t hold all the answers. Instead of assuming moral superiority, the goal is to foster an environment of mutual respect and understanding.
Calling out can often seem judgmental, while calling in may sometimes feel like withholding accountability.
Ultimately, it’s about opening a dialogue to understand the other person’s perspective while expressing your own concerns.
The goal of calling in isn’t to dictate what’s right or wrong. It’s to invite a conversation where both parties can learn and grow.
It’s not about knowing what’s best, but about creating a space for open communication and mutual respect. Even if we disagree, we can still learn from each other.
Why Calling In Matters
- It fosters growth, not defensiveness. Calling out often puts people on the defensive, making it less likely they’ll be receptive to change. Calling in invites conversation and reflection.
- It builds bridges, not walls. Calling out can create division. Calling in seeks understanding and connection, even with those we disagree with.
- It promotes compassion, not judgment. Coming from a place of love and respect creates a space for growth and transformation.
The calling-in approach turns difficult conversations into productive ones, creating space for growth and understanding. It’s challenging but transformative, embodying Marshall Rosenberg’s definition of empathy—connecting through thoughts, feelings, and actions.
The 3 Parts of Empathy
- Emotive Empathy: “I feel with you”—we’re biologically wired for this through mirror neurons that help us experience others’ emotions. This deep connection can foster support but requires mindfulness to avoid overwhelming ourselves.
- Cognitive Empathy: “I put myself in your shoes”—seeking to understand the other’s perspective. This involves providing emotional support, validating feelings, and fostering deeper connections without projecting our experiences onto others.
- Compassionate Empathy: “I stand with you”—taking supportive actions. This balances empathy with maintaining our emotional well-being and relationships.
Empathy is a crucial tool for building relationships and fostering understanding. However, it’s important to be mindful of the potential downsides. Unmanaged empathy can lead to emotional overload, making it difficult to set boundaries and maintain your own well-being.
Empathy’s dual nature is exemplified in how it can motivate both acts of kindness and compassion, or feelings of sorrow or anger depending on the situation. For example, empathy can lead you to comfort a friend who’s lost a loved one, but it can also make you feel angry if you witness someone being treated unfairly.
While neither calling out nor calling in is perfect, maybe there’s a way to have open conversations with respect, even when we disagree.
The goal is to have a productive conversation, not win an argument.
Because tough conversations don’t need to damage relationships, they can deepen them.
Journaling Prompts:
To further reflect on these ideas, consider these journaling prompts:
- Think of a recent situation where you felt the urge to call someone out. What emotions were you experiencing? How might you have approached the situation differently by calling them in?
- Reflect on a time when someone called you out. How did it make you feel? How might the interaction have changed if they had called you in instead?
- What are some ways you can balance empathy in your daily interactions to ensure you are supportive without becoming overwhelmed?
- How do you define accountability in your relationships? What role does empathy play in holding yourself and others accountable?
- Consider the concept of moral rightness. How do you navigate conversations where there are differing perspectives without assuming a position of superiority?
BOOK RECOMMENDATION
“Calling In: How to Start Making Change with Those You’d Rather Cancel”
Loretta J. Ross, the pioneer of the Calling In framework, emphasizes that calling in someone is calling them out, with love. This book is an urgent and exhilarating memoir-manifesto-handbook about how to rein in the excesses of cancel culture so we can truly communicate and solve problems together.
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