Well•come, kin. Pause, and take a deep, calming breath with me. In… and out… As you breathe, remind yourself of your innate wisdom and wholeness. With each breath—be here. Fully present, as we embark on this journey together.

LaShaun Certified behavior analyst, founding former Director of The University of South Florida’s (USF) Wellness Resource Center, Founder of GLOW Women’s Gathering with credentials in Neuroscience for Business from MIT Sloan.

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“If you don’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

“That’s just way they are, you know them.”

“If you love me, you will accept me as I am.”

NOT!
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These themes have been recurring in the life AND on my social media feed. It’s begging for some attention, so I have a few thoughts for us.

Love + boundaries + judgement (sounds like a book title or a juicy telenovela).

Love, in its purest form, *is* unconditional. Yet, relationships in their healthiest form are bound by conditions!?

I don’t know if you are, but I’m yearning for connection that feels like home, yet often stumble over the jagged edges of my own imperfections and those with whom I’m relating. It’s a dance of vulnerability and strength, a delicate balance of accepting and being accepted.

For those who have witnessed the tempestuous dance of volatile relationships, the concept of unconditional acceptance can feel like a double-edged sword. They can be superhero who saves the day and can also be the villain who scorches the earth you walk on within minutes.

My current way of understand is: being loving towards others is not about enduring the worst without consequence. It’s about setting boundaries that nurture growth, not just for the relationship, but for the individuals within it.
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Loving unconditionally and relating with conditions may seem contradictory at first glance, but they are actually complementary aspects of healthy relationships. Here’s why:

Unconditional love refers to a deep, enduring affection that persists regardless of circumstances. It’s about valuing a person’s inherent worth. However, this doesn’t mean accepting harmful behaviors or neglecting personal growth.

Relating with conditions, on the other hand, involves setting boundaries and expectations within a relationship. These conditions aren’t about withholding love, but rather about creating a framework for mutual respect and growth.

The key is understanding that you can love someone unconditionally while still maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationship with them. For example, you might unconditionally love a family member struggling with addiction, but still set boundaries around their behavior to protect yourself and encourage their recovery.

In essence, unconditional love provides the foundation of acceptance and support, while conditions in relating help shape interactions to be healthy and constructive for both parties. This balance allows for both deep emotional connection and personal growth within relationships.

“A loving relationship is not a sanctuary from accountability; it is the soil where growth takes root.”​
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This idea invites us to reconsider the notion that loving your fellow humans means accepting every flaw without question. Instead, it suggests that true love flourishes when we hold each other accountable, fostering an environment where both can grow and evolve.

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Recent research in positive psychology and network neuroscience supports this notion. Studies have shown that relationships characterized by open communication and mutual respect lead to greater personal growth and satisfaction for both partners. This is not about giving a pass to harmful behavior. It’s about creating a space where change is possible and improvement is encouraged.

Imagine a world where we embrace the chaotic beauty of our imperfections while still holding each other to a standard of kindness and respect. This is not a utopian fantasy; it is a realistic approach to building healthy relationships. Setting boundaries is not an act of rejection; it is an act of love. It says, “I care about you enough to want the best all parties concerned.”

In the end, relationships are not about enduring the worst to earn the best. They are about creating a space where individuals and the union can thrive. As you navigate the landscape of love, lovingkindness, relating, remember this: boundaries are not barriers; they are bridges. They connect us to each other in ways that are profound and transformative.

As you sip your morning coffee or take a quiet walk in the park, ponder this: Relationships are not in a static state; it is a dynamic journey. And on this journey, we are both the travelers and the mapmakers, charting a course that is uniquely our own.

But aren’t boundaries based on being judgmental? Setting boundaries is about protecting oneself and defining acceptable behavior, while being judgmental often involves making moral evaluations about a person’s worth. .

1. Acceptance with accountability: The approach advocates for loving the person wholly while not enabling destructive behaviors, which is different from judging the person’s entire being based on their flaws/
2. Growth-oriented: The focus is on potential for change and evolution, rather than fixating on current shortcomings.
3. Balanced perspective: It acknowledges both the need for acceptance (“Love me”) and the need for improvement, whereas being judgmental often focuses solely on perceived faults.

“If you love me, you will accept me as I am.”

This statement and others like it oversimplifies the complexity of relationships. Instead, consider:

Set boundaries with my worst behaviors. Challenge the parts of me that have potential for growth. Love me wholly, but don’t enable harmful actions.

OR, maybe

Hold my vulnerabilities with tenderness, but encourage my evolution.

True love balances acceptance with gentle guidance towards our best selves.

Let’s normalize relationships where we both thrive, not just survive each other’s extremes.

Here are some suggestions.

Family Relationships

• Boundaries: Establish clear communication about personal space, privacy, and individual needs. Family dynamics often involve deep emotional ties, so it’s crucial to set boundaries that respect each member’s autonomy while maintaining familial support.
• Example: Agreeing on how often family members visit or call, and respecting each other’s life choices.

Friendships

• Boundaries: Define what is acceptable in terms of time, emotional support, and sharing personal information. Friendships thrive on mutual respect and understanding.
• Example: Setting limits on how much time you spend together if you need personal space or addressing topics that are off-limits for discussion.

Acquaintances

• Boundaries: Keep interactions polite and professional, maintaining a level of formality that respects both parties’ comfort zones.
• Example: Avoiding oversharing personal details or expecting emotional support from acquaintances.

Romantic Relationships

• Boundaries: Communicate openly about expectations, emotional needs, and personal limits. This includes discussing future plans, financial responsibilities, and personal space.
• Example: Setting boundaries around alone time or how conflicts are addressed.

Sexual Relationships

• Boundaries: Clearly communicate consent, preferences, and limits. Respecting each other’s comfort levels is essential.
• Example: Discussing and agreeing on what is and isn’t comfortable or acceptable in intimate situations.

Work Relationships

• Boundaries: Maintain professionalism and respect for roles and responsibilities. Set limits on work-life balance and communication outside work hours.
• Example: Not taking work-related calls or emails during personal time unless it’s an emergency.

Situationships

• Boundaries: Define the nature of the relationship and what each person expects. These relationships can be fluid, so clear communication is key.
• Example: Agreeing on the level of emotional involvement or exclusivity.

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